After nearly 20 years in a technical / customer service capacity, I have dealt with many different types of equipment problems. More importantly, however, I have become highly aware of what the customer expects to make the resolution of any problems a pleasant experience. With that in mind, I have compiled this list on…..

1. When bringing your machine in for service, be sure to approach the service counter with a Mt. Everest - sized chip on your shoulder. This will let the customer service / technical representatives know just how much you've been inconvenienced.



2. Before the technician even has a chance to look at your machine, ask how long it will take to fix the problem. Scowl no matter what the answer is.



3. If the technician asks for detailed information such as noises, or error messages, briskly explain that you aren't a technical person, you just want to use the stupid thing. Don't accept any suggestion that you may have done something wrong.



4. Do NOT accept the old "First come, first served" line. After all, no matter what the circumstances, there is no one on earth that needs his or her machine more than YOU do.



5. While the customer service / technical representative is working on your machine (ahead of 25 others that were there ahead of you), strike up conversations with other customers to tell them just how dissatisfied you are with this company.



6. In the event you have to leave your machine at the service center, be sure to call at least once an hour to let them know just how important your machine is to you.



7. If the customer service representative suggests that you call the company's technical support service, point out that you don't have the time to fool around with the busy signals. Tell her / him that you gave up after trying for 5 hours to get through.



8. If you actually have called the technical support line, point out that the "phone tech" said: "the service center will fix it." Don't accept any other explanations at this point. If the phone tech said it, it must be the ultimate truth.



9. Don't fall for the excuse: "We have to order a part." Any good service center should have every part in stock for every model machine they've ever manufactured.



10. Explain that you have just driven over 100 miles, and you have a very important report due tomorrow. Stand there and glower a lot. In extreme cases (like you want to finish that solitaire game or crossword you were working on), a good, old-fashioned tantrum can work wonders.



11. When the customer service / technical representative calls to let you know the machine is fixed, ask if it is really fixed. You never know.



12. Even though you're not a technical person, ask for a complete technical breakdown, preferably to molecular level, of EXACTLY what went wrong with their lousy machine, and what was done to repair it. Make the technician guarantee that the machine will never break down again. When the technician does explain the problem, interrupt frequently, emphasizing that you did nothing wrong. Make sure the technician knows he's not dealing with a dummy. You probably know more than he does.